8 Reasons The Dark Knight Rises Sucked Asshole

[ghengis]

Let me start by saying I do NOT see movies in theaters. The last movie I saw in theaters was the Dark Knight and I watched that 3 times because it *cruisering* ruled. That being said Dark Knight Rises was a steaming pile of shit. With great actors, a huge budget, and Christopher Nolan directing this movie is a shoe in for best picture. The last time I was this disappointed spending ten bucks was on a burrito that I threw up 20 minutes later.

*Cue Spoilers

1. Bullshit rescue scenarios. Okay, every superhero movie has the part where at the last possible moment the hero comes in and saves everyone. This happened about 15 times in this movie. Batman would magically appear and stop someone from being murdered, then 2 seconds later he would do the same thing about 20 miles away. Give me a break. Don't have 15 bullshit scenarios and ESPECIALLY don't do them one after another. I mean he actually saves that faggot commissioner gordon and about 2 seconds later saves joseph gordon. IMPOSSIBLE AND DUMB.

2. Retarded Cops. Remember Batman Begins where EVERY cop in the city goes over the bridge to stop the prison riot even though its an obvious trap? They all get gassed by the scare crow and every cop is rendered insane and useless. Same exact thing happens in this one. 3000 cops go down into the sewers to get Bane. Guess what Bane sets a trap in the sewers and closes all the exits. 3 cops do not go underground. Is this real writing? So you're telling me thousands of cops went into the sewers and you only left THREE above ground? Even my retarded friend raised his eyebrows at this.

3. Batman's trust. Bruce Wayne has some energy reactor that can also be used as an atom bomb. He decides to tell a bunch of people including this bitch he just fucked. Seriously? God forbid you trust honest Morgan Freeman or your ass kissing acolyte butler, no trust the girl you met 2 seconds ago with the god damn atom bomb. COOL.

4. The Pit. Bane beats the shit out of Batman and puts him in a prison/pit somewhere in South Africa or some shit. Mind you, an 8 year old girl escaped from this pit. Bane is surprised to see that Batman escapes. Really? An 8 year old climbed out and you're surprised that *cruisering* Batman escaped. *cruiser* you Christoper Nolan. Not to mention, shortly after Batman escapes from the pit he is somehow back in Gotham. Never-mind the fact that he was in South Africa with no passport, transportation, or money. He is just walking around Gotham the next day talking to Cat woman like "no big deal".

5. The Line. This is possibly the worst line of any movie ever. Shortly after swimming from Africa back to Gotham, Batman rescues the dumbass cops and there is a huge brawl between Bane and his goons vs Batman and cops. Bane and Batman square off and Bane says something like "did you come here to get your ass kicked again?". Then Batman drops this gem of a line, "No I came here to stop you". No shit Batman. You had like 2 months of prison time to think of something to say and that's what you came up with? The writers worked on this script for countless hours and this is the trash they throw out? Don't worry though, the worst is yet to come.

6. WHERE IS IT? Batman proceeds to kick the *cruiser* out of Bane who knows where the detonator for this A bomb is. His interrogation techniques are limited to screaming WHERE IS IT? 6-7 times in Bane's face. Why would this psychopath on a suicide mission tell you where the god damn detonator is just because you are asking him? Again, I can't believe people actually worked on this script. It seems like they just copy and pasted a bunch of lines from the first two movies without a *cruisering* thought.

7. Motive? The villains have zero motive. I would say there's about 30-40 goons working for Bane and whatever that cunt's name is. They decide to get an Atom bomb and blow themselves up so they can destroy Gotham. What a stupid *cruisering* idea. Seriously was Bane just like, hey guys want to kamikaze this city with me? Yeah sure Bane, I wasn't doing anything else today why not. The female villain gives the explanation that she is "finishing what her father started". Ok, well frankly that's a bullshit reason I don't care if you're in the League of Poor Terrorist Plots, come up with something better you god damn hacks.

8. The ending. So Batman flies the bomb out to sea in his aircraft to save the city. You see a countdown go :02 :01 and a mushroom cloud explosion. Guess what? Batman is alive and fine he is just *cruisering* cat woman in Florence. Of all the horrible inconsistencies and just AWFUL parts of this movie, this really takes the cake. I mean Batman explodes, then he is alive. *cruiser* Hollywood and stupid crowd pleaser endings like this. I could have given this movie an "ok" if Batman had at least died, but no. It was just all bullshit and I hated every second of it.

0 stars

I've never seen a movie with so much potential suck so much cock. This is like giving someone 3 full health trow and somehow losing to a single thrall. Christian Bale, Joseph Gordon Fuckit, Morgan Freeman, the hot cat bitch, THE MONEY SPENT, THE HOURS SPENT WRITING. I have no idea how this happened but I am very frustrated, confused, and angry. *cruiser* Christopher Nolan, *cruiser* Hollywood, and *cruiser* every brain-dead twat that walked out of the movie talking about how awesome it was.

[flatline]

Christopher Nolan's "Memento" is in my top 5 movies ever.

[par73]

this is hilarious, is this original khan work?

[homer]

Perhaps the funniest thing I've read in a long time, unfortunately when I go to see the movie now, I'll just be sad and unexcited the whole time, I guess it's better than surprise disappointment. RIP Batman remakes.

[Aki]

third movie in a trilogy always sucks

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

[pogue]

Aki is right, and thanks for ruining it fuckhead. I'm getting on my dummy accounts and hateplaying you until you ragequit myth in disgust.

[switch]

Presumably this why Ghenghis unleashed his fetch attack on the cinema.



Too soon?


PS: Dark Knight was overrated. Nolan has been on a long downward spiral (or upward spiral if you are counting by how much money he is making and how many explosions each subsequent movies has)- it figures that Dark Knight 2 is his worst movie to date.

I'm giving this one an honest theatre experience (I saw the other two in theatres), although, I have low expectations. Batman Begins set the bar so high that each subsequent movie was doomed to be disappointing from the start. Pretty much everything I've seen in theatres this summer has been crap (so far that's only two movies; Avengers and Prometheus).

[ghengis]

I guess I expected something with good lines and well thought out scenes like the Dark Knight. The dark knight was only good because the joker rocked every scene though.

A couple of nerds just corrected me on a few of the points I made. Irrelevant because the movie was still terrible

[switch]

*cruisering* exactly. How can you top Heath Ledger RL suiciding after playing the villain in a movie?

Still waiting for the Sam Mendes Bond movie, Skyfall...

So many franchises by "top" directors this summer, and most of the efforts have sucked so far.

[vihaan]

Inception was awesome. GG

[par73]

after playing The Joker, not just any villain.

[sormiron]

Flatline is now exhalted. I had forgotten that movie.

[amino1]

I thought it was pretty good. It wasn't very much worse than the previous offerings, and in this one the bomb actually went off. (Sorry, spoilers.)

That said, I did notice quite a few interesting things about this one that could be considered plot holes or some fault in the story telling. I'll list a few of those here to add to the discussion.

1. How did Batman get back to Gotham? He's in some Sarlac-like desert pit, presumably in the middle of nowhere (though I guess one could argue that it was somewhere in Gotham itself, which doesn't make too much sense as everyone there speaks some strange dialect that I did not recognize), climbs out, and within a day he's somehow back in Gotham without his money, his I.D., or any Batman technology at all. Weird. I figure the story of his epic journey back to Gotham is probably worth its own movie. Deus ex machina.

2. Not to mention when Bane beats him senseless he's in his Batsuit, and when he comes to in the prison he's in plainclothes. Did Bane undress him on the journey? Who knows what kind of kinky stuff transpired while he was out. No wonder he couldn't walk. The fact that he had another "backup" Batsuit waiting for him upon his return is also not explained. Cue fanboy apologetics.

3. I kept wondering to myself several times throughout the movie at how snappy a dresser Bane was. That guy had some cool duds. He doesn't particularly strike me as the type that enjoys shopping, so can anyone tell me where he gets his clothes? Not to mention where he gets fitted for them?

4. The "boy" that escaped was actually a girl. What? How come the doctor-elder in the prison lied to Batman???

5. 3000 police trapped underground for 3 months. And they're "fine". You'd think they'd be catching gangrene and stuff from wallowing in their own fecal matter.

6. Automatic machine guns and Batmobile-mounted cannons are seemingly ineffective against a bottlenecked crowd of charging police brandishing nothing but their fists.

7. The nuclear blast. Wow. All the people watching it would have probably gone blind. No shockwave. Nobody's worried about fallout. Everything's normal even though it went off just a couple miles away. Also, I understand Batman escaped by having fixed the autopilot, but it appeared that he was still in the cockpit with a mere five seconds left. Even if he had ejected at that time he would have been instantly vaporized. And don't even say he could have "hid" underwater because there would have been stewed Batman in that case.

8. Is it just me or is Catwoman an implied lesbian? Her friend was hanging all over her in that scene. This is not a plot hole so much as something that should have been further explored.

9. How did Bruce's leg get fixed permanently? I don't understand how he strapped on a hydraulic rubber band and suddenly he can walk without a cane the rest of the movie.

10. Why does Batman insist on talking in his hoarse, husky voice with Catwoman even after she knows his identity (and he talked to her just fine in the previous scene as just Bruce)? Also, does anyone else notice that Batman always has his mouth open and Bruce always has it closed? I wonder what that is supposed to represent.

I'm sure there's more but this is just off the top of my head. All in all, however, I enjoyed the movie. It's interesting to see how close these Dark Knight movies come to toying with the utter destruction of a major city (Gotham) while still being considered as merely entertainment.

[drunken]

Ghengis your thread stinks of shit. Of course its hard to topple Heath ledger but its not like its as bad as Batman forever with Jim carey as the riddler and those cheesy 90's gimmiks.

Suck a hookers asshole ghengis you illiterate film-noir jock

[waywardone]

Jul 20, 2012 19:48:25 GMT 2 Aki said:

third movie in a trilogy always sucks

Return of the King was glorious.

(Cue tolkien nerds saying LotR is not actually a trilogy.)